Part II: Really? You think people need that?

If you were reading this blog a year ago, you likely know I wrote about the winners and losers we uncovered last year at the ABC Kids' Expo, a buying show for juvenile products retailers. This annual show gives me a chance to meet with our suppliers face-to-face, and it enables me to examine products in-person that I'm considering stocking at our stores. I come across some real gems at ABC this year, but I also come across some real duds.


Before I get to the good stuff, I will post a disclaimer. The information contained in this blog post is based soley on my opinion. My. Opinion. You may disagree with me, perhaps you use and love a product that's listed here, I understand -- the heart wants what the heart wants. I'm okay, and you're okay. We're all okay. Okay?

1. I'm all for babywearing, it provides parents with a great way to connect with their little ones, and it's a practical way to tote children around, however, I don't get this. What if your child wants to sit down? What if your child wants to sleep??? I can't quite figure out what 'need' this particular product fulfills.
2. A one-size-fits-all sleeper? While I appreciate that it's USA-made, and I understand that babies can outgrow their clothing quickly, this is just waaaay too fussy for me. If you want to get more mileage out of your baby's sleepers, buy a size larger than you need, and fold over the arms and legs to fit.
3. You know when you go to the mall, and you forget where you parked your car, so you beep it and follow the honk? Now you can do that with your child too. I understand the panicked feeling when you lose sight of a young child, but the simple solution to that problem is to keep them within arms' reach at all times. I have four kids, it is possible.
4. Color me stupid, but I'm going to ask the obvious question: Where do Skittles fit into this scheme? Feeding kids a healthy diet can be tricky, requiring a balance of cunning and compromise, but does it really need a chart complete with stickers?
5. Gosh, I wonder how differently my life would have turned out if my mother cared enough to dress both herself and I in clothing that kept me in a constant state of overstimulation. Man, I probably missed out on so much in those first six months that I was stuck looking at pastel ducks. I'd probably be running the country by now. Damn you, mother, damn you to hell!
6. I don't care what you're doing, and how inconvenient blowing your nose may seem, but this would never, ever be okay. Do us all a favor and use a hankerchief, please?
7. Although it's billed as "The life-saving device that every parent needs", the manufacturer of this product should revise the aforementioned suggestion to read "The life-saving device that every parent needs, unless they live in a bungalow or higher than 50 feet from the ground." As horrifying as the idea of a housefire is, I'm not sure we all need a tethered bag to lower our child to safety.
8. Do you really want your child wearing this? Before you write me off as a cold, heartless bitch, to my credit, in ten years of parenting, I've never had a reason to ice a child's entire head. Have you?
9. Don't kid yourself, danger lurks everywhere. Everywhere! Forget radiation-proof clothing, I'm going to start wearing full body armor from now on, I'm not going to take any chances!
10. Now, you can be 'with' your baby, even when you're away from your baby. Of course, I get the point of having a baby monitor in the house, but I can't understand why you'd need to monitor your baby when you're outside of the house. If you hear your baby cry over your cellphone while you're at a business meeting, just what are you supposed to do about it anyway?

This is only a sampling of some of the questionable products I saw, I am actually exercising considerable restraint tonight (plus I just can't be bothered to document each and every one of them). There was an alarm you slip inside your baby's diaper that checks for pee and poop every eight seconds, there were educational legwarmers (learning through osmosis?), there was a motorized platform you attach to a stroller so that you are propelled forward while pushing the stroller (walking is for losers, apparently), and the list goes on.

While it's great to have tools that make parenting easier, I have to wonder at what point 'enough is enough'. Of course, when someone finally invents a cloth diaper that turns poop into gold, I will be all over it... maybe next year, stay tuned!