Today, in the name of 'good health', I subjected myself to one of my least favorite pastimes (if you could call it that), I went for my annual check-up. You know the one. The one where the doctor kicks all the tires and checks under the hood (literally - ha!) to ensure everything is in working order. Yep, today I checked the all-important Pap Smear off my list of things to do. Good times, I tell you...
My doctor is a man, and while he is quite nice, the thought of any man other than my husband seeing me in a complete state of undress during the day and under fluorescent lights no less, causes me huge anxiety in the weeks (yes, weeks!) leading up to my check-up. I'm not so much concerned about him being on the business end of the Pap Smear, as I have to assume that once you've seen one vagina, you've seen 'em all, I'm more concerned about the fact I can't really hide the extra pounds I've gathered over the years. I can't really suck 'em in, and I'm not sure wearing Spanx would be appropriate, even if they do have a pee pee hole (and they do, if you care).
Pre Pap Smear, I shower (duh!), shave my legs, trim my toenails, and tidy up down there (it's the least I could do). On that last point, I'm a little unsure as to what proper etiquette dictates in terms of how much pubic hair your doctor should see (assuming he's looking). Miss Manners doesn't seem to have an opinion on what's considered appropriate, and there doesn't seem to be a Pap Smear merkin you can slap on top to ensure you're striking the perfect balance between 'too much' and 'not enough'. At any rate, I hope I hit the mark just right today.
During the Pap Smear, my doctor does his best to carry on a normal conversation, while I do my best not to fart. As horrendous as the whole Pap Smear is, it would be even more horrendous if I farted. In that particular situation, I couldn't exactly blame it on the kids now, could I? Not that I would ever do that, because that would be wrong.
Apres Pap Smear, my husband gave me a sympathetic nod when I came home, having sat (Laid? Curled up in a fetal position?) during a prostate exam with the same doctor, he can sympathize with the relief felt at getting it over with. Of course, it's not really over until I hear the results (or don't hear, I suppose it's a case of 'no news is good news'), but for now, I'm happy to mark that particular task as completed, until it's time to do it again.