Now that my uterus has been forced into early retirement, I've been thinking about the things I have to look forward to as our kids get older. Aside from the obvious (no more sleepless nights, no more diapers, no more toddler tantrums, lots of wild weekends in Vegas...), there are quite a few perks I hadn't considered before. So here they are, in no particular order!
1) Not wiping someone else's shitty ass (pardon my French). When your little one is out of diapers, you still have *that* to look forward to. Owen has been out of diapers for just over three years, and I still have to take care of business down there on a regular basis. It's a mystery to me how much toilet paper he can use, and still be no further ahead (is he wiping his forehead?). I'm worried I'll send him off to University lacking that one critical skill -- best of luck to his roommate, he'll need it!
2) Less peeing *around* the toilet, and more peeing *in* the toilet -- close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades!
3) Living with people who chew with their mouth shut. It's like I mated with the Cookie Monster.
4) Not sweeping the kitchen floor eleventy million times a day. I have a feeling that when #3 is achieved, #4 will shortly follow suit.
5) Giving the kids chores. I didn't birth a child army for nuttin'!
6) No more tiny baby socks. I love tiny baby feet, and tiny baby toes, but they make doing laundry a bitch.
7) No one will say "*It* wasn't me." Or "I didn't mean to do *it*." Or "*It* wasn't my fault." Or "She made me do *it*." Or multiple variations thereof. Hopefully one day, they'll just say "Sorry." (or just stop doing *it*, a girl can dream, right?).
8) No more maternity underwear. Yes, I gave birth to Grace almost two years ago, but I can't help it, underwear the size of a flag is surprisingly comfortable, and as I like to point out to my husband (over and over again), "You're not going anywhere." But it's time to let go, isn't it?
9) Regaining my figure. Lost: one waist. Have you seen it? Neither have I, not for a decade at least. I'll do what I can and leave the rest of it up to Spanx (it'll be our secret, right?).
10) Grandchildren. Is it too soon to start thinking about that?