Things that make me feel old.

It's official, I can't pretend anymore that aging doesn't bother me. Today, I heard (read) the depressing news that Gabrielle Carteris, the actress who played Andrea Zuckerman on Beverly Hills 90210, has turned fifty. That's 5-0. Eeek! Of course, it's not that news alone that makes me feel old. Rather, it's a combination of things, a collection of random happenings that, when considered independently, aren't such a big deal, but when considered collectively, eeek! I mean seriously, eeek!

1. The fact that someone reading this may not realize I'm not talking about today's 90210 (a bucketload of crap, for the record), but that I'm talking about the *original* Beverly Hills 90210 that aired over 20 years ago.
   
2. The fact that the original Beverly Hills 90210 is over 20 years old! I remember being glued to the trials and tribulations of Brandon, Brenda, Dylan, Kelly, Donna, David, and Andrea like it was yesterday. Yesterday!
   
3. I have grey hairs. Plural. I used to pluck them, but I've given up on that strategy, I don't want to add thinning hair to my CV of aging (of course, now I'm sort of tempting the powers-that-be, aren't I?).
   
4. My ass is flat. Like a pancake. You think these would help? It would be our secret, promise not to tell anyone, k?
   
5. My nipples have a mind of their own. Let me tell you, it's a sad day when you have to manually adjust your breasts in your bathing suit so that they're facing the same way.
   
6. I'm turning 37 this year. Sure, it seems like a random number to get upset about, but it means I'm in my 'late thirties' now. Not my early thirties, not my mid-thirties, but my late, holy-shit-I'm-so-old thirties. Oh, the humanity!
   
7. When I fill out surveys that ask for your age, I have to select the '35+' age bracket. Have they no compassion?
   
8. Whenever I go to the liquor store, I secretly pray that the clerk will card me. I would tip him if he did. Yes, I'm offering, if any LCBO clerks are reading this.
   
9. George Clooney is dating someone younger than me. I remember when I was young, and he was old. Touché, George, touché.
   
10. I know people who were born in the 1980s who are parents now.
    
11. I can remember the 1980s.
    
12. I call the 1980s 'the 1980s'.
    
13. I love pants with elastic waistbands. Like my mother and my mother-in-law. They are over 60. It's embarrassing that we could probably share a wardrobe. No offense to either of you, of course.
    
14. I wear pyjamas to the movies, confirming the obvious, I value comfort over fashion. I like to think running shoes class up the outfit, my husband disagrees. Who's right?
    
15. I cannot watch an entire movie without peeing. And trampolines are not my friend.
    
16. I play indoor soccer in a league that does not have age restrictions. 18 year old girls have boundless energy. And strong bladders.
    
17. When talking to my kids, I have prefaced sentences with 'When I was your age...'.
    
18. The upcoming NKOTBSB tour. Admit it, it's kind of depressing.
    
19. Facebook. Specifically, seeing pictures of high school friends on Facebook. I would prefer to pretend we are all still 18 years old. It's kind of sad to see the captain of the football team with thinning hair, glasses, and a paunch that suggests he's 7 months pregnant. Damn you, Father Time, damn you to hell!
    
20. My metabolism appears to be broken. Or quite possibly, stuck in reverse.
    
21. My memory appears to be broken. You know it's bad when you're watching TV, and you turn the channel during commercials, then forget what you were watching to start with. I should start writing it down.

I'm sure there's more, but I forget. Whoever coined the phrase "You're only as young as you feel" was probably 18 years old. Similarly, the person who claimed that stretchmarks are a 'badge of honor' likely has no stretchmarks. Whatever, I have to go pee.