Sunday, January 2, 2011

Things that make me feel old.

It's official, I can't pretend anymore that aging doesn't bother me. Today, I heard (read) the depressing news that Gabrielle Carteris, the actress who played Andrea Zuckerman on Beverly Hills 90210, has turned fifty. That's 5-0. Eeek! Of course, it's not that news alone that makes me feel old. Rather, it's a combination of things, a collection of random happenings that, when considered independently, aren't such a big deal, but when considered collectively, eeek! I mean seriously, eeek!

  1. The fact that someone reading this may not realize I'm not talking about today's 90210 (a bucketload of crap, for the record), but that I'm talking about the *original* Beverly Hills 90210 that aired over 20 years ago.
  2. The fact that the original Beverly Hills 90210 is over 20 years old! I remember being glued to the trials and tribulations of Brandon, Brenda, Dylan, Kelly, Donna, David, and Andrea like it was yesterday. Yesterday!
  3. I have grey hairs. Plural. I used to pluck them, but I've given up on that strategy, I don't want to add thinning hair to my CV of aging (of course, now I'm sort of tempting the powers-that-be, aren't I?).
  4. My ass is flat. Like a pancake. You think these would help? It would be our secret, promise not to tell anyone, k?
  5. My nipples have a mind of their own. Let me tell you, it's a sad day when you have to manually adjust your breasts in your bathing suit so that they're facing the same way.
  6. I'm turning 37 this year. Sure, it seems like a random number to get upset about, but it means I'm in my 'late thirties' now. Not my early thirties, not my mid-thirties, but my late, holy-shit-I'm-so-old thirties. Oh, the humanity!
  7. When I fill out surveys that ask for your age, I have to select the '35+' age bracket. Have they no compassion?
  8. Whenever I go to the liquor store, I secretly pray that the clerk will card me. I would tip him if he did. Yes, I'm offering, if any LCBO clerks are reading this.
  9. George Clooney is dating someone younger than me. I remember when I was young, and he was old. Touché, George, touché.
  10. I know people who were born in the 1980s who are parents now.
  11. I can remember the 1980s.
  12. I call the 1980s 'the 1980s'.
  13. I love pants with elastic waistbands. Like my mother and my mother-in-law. They are over 60. It's embarrassing that we could probably share a wardrobe. No offense to either of you, of course.
  14. I wear pyjamas to the movies, confirming the obvious, I value comfort over fashion. I like to think running shoes class up the outfit, my husband disagrees. Who's right?
  15. I cannot watch an entire movie without peeing. And trampolines are not my friend.
  16. I play indoor soccer in a league that does not have age restrictions. 18 year old girls have boundless energy. And strong bladders.
  17. When talking to my kids, I have prefaced sentences with 'When I was your age...'.
  18. The upcoming NKOTBSB tour. Admit it, it's kind of depressing.
  19. Facebook. Specifically, seeing pictures of high school friends on Facebook. I would prefer to pretend we are all still 18 years old. It's kind of sad to see the captain of the football team with thinning hair, glasses, and a paunch that suggests he's 7 months pregnant. Damn you, Father Time, damn you to hell!
  20. My metabolism appears to be broken. Or quite possibly, stuck in reverse.
  21. My memory appears to be broken. You know it's bad when you're watching TV, and you turn the channel during commercials, then forget what you were watching to start with. I should start writing it down.

I'm sure there's more, but I forget. Whoever coined the phrase "You're only as young as you feel" was probably 18 years old. Similarly, the person who claimed that stretchmarks are a 'badge of honor' likely has no stretchmarks. Whatever, I have to go pee.


  1. LOL! I know how you feel. I'm still in my early thirties, but creeping towards the mid- and then late-thirties is a bit scary. The fact that this year marks fifteen years since my high school graduation and I really don't know WHERE those years went scares me more. Time has sped up astronomically! :/

  2. i seriously LOLd at this!! the sad thing is, i'm not even 30 yet and i can feel your pain :S

  3. lol and here i was already feeling old and i'm only 26? 27? does it even matter now that my whole world revolves around my toddler and everything he does? lol i enjoyed this. i can point out that 1, i couldnt believe they were coming out with a new 90210, way to ruin a good old running show with a new retarded one!
    2 perhaps i dont remember much of NKOTB but i do remember BSB and that combination terrifies me
    3 i already wear spanx!
    4 i never leave my pyjamas unless i run to the corner store and quite possibly still secretely keep them on under my clothes to keep me comfortable (LOL?)
    5 you're probably laughing now that you know i'm from the 80s with a kid haha
    6 elastic pants are my best friend
    7 its fun to know the hotties from my highschool are already getting old and fat
    and 8 i almost never remember what show i was on even to browse the guide and change 2 channels in 3 seconds lmao
    take care, Carol xo

  4. Hey Susie, did I inspire #10? ;) It's ok, I feeeeeel mid-to-late 30's on any given day, if that helps.

  5. I have "house pants". I realized I'd hit that point in my life when my then-4yr old eldest child came home from JK one day and declared that now it was time to put on his "house pants". That was almost five years ago.

    My house pants never go out in public. LOL

  6. I'm 29 and I already feel that way. I've peed on a breakaway at soccer - but wouldn't give up cause I was for once out running the skinny, pretty "I didn't just have a baby college" student. Oh, and I had my boobs fixed permanently. I couldn't bear the sagginess covering my bellybutton and then being all googly eyed. - I'm still plucking greys though... I haven't decided to stop yet. I'm still in denial. 30 is going to be a HARD year for me.

  7. Really, Suzie, I have to say a great big 'thanks'. It'll be my FORTIETH birthday on Wednesday. I feel your pain!! I love having this super-interesting 3-year-old and 7-month-old, but the intensity of mothering (read: sleep deprivation) sure has a way of aging you. On the other hand, sitting on the floor together belting out songs at the top of our lungs, baking together, getting wet open-mouth slobbery kisses from the baby, seeing their faces light up when they see you (and yes, mine lights up too), sharing the excitement of new discoveries every day with them... these bring unspeakable joy and fulfillment.

    When I turned 30 I had a minor fit & crisis about it. I felt like my youth was over and therefore my 'best' years must be too; I figured it would all be downhill from there. After a while, I realised this: my life was (is) really good. I like where I am, and I like my life, personally and professionally. There isn't much that I would change, given the chance. But it had taken every bit of those 30 years for me to get to that point. Could you have had or enjoyed much of what you have now, 10 years ago? So I'm OK with getting older now. Aging has brought me the life and family I have now. I am a much happier (and I hope, better) person now than I was 10 years ago, and 10 years before that. It sucks that some things go by the wayside as we get older (yes, trampolines, staying up late and still feeling fine the next day, our bums and boobs, the list goes on...). But when you had those things, you didn't have your husband and kids. Aging doesn't seem so bad when you look at it that way, does it?
    Tomorrow I'll be baking & decorating cupcakes for MY birthday with the 3-year-old. And the baby will *nap* dammit!

  8. All you guys know nothing from aging! I'M THE SAME AGE AS GABRIELLE CARTERIS!!!! 50! I can't freaking believe it!
    Susie - this post is terrific. SO funny. (I seriously laughed out loud about pointing boobs the same direction) Thanks for popping by my blog so I could find yours!