If the Mountain Won't Come to Mohammad...

As soon as you have a baby, your baby's sleep habits will become fodder for conversation with friends, families, and random strangers who feel the need to inquire about a subject that, until you became a parent, is usually quite private.  Before having children, I can't recall a grocery cashier ringing up my eggs, then casually asking how my nights are going, can you?  I didn't think so.  I don't think such questions are ill-intentioned, it's just the equivalent of 'weather speak' between parents, a subject meant to fill in those awkward pauses.  Banal, yes, but a subtle way of enforcing the idea that babies should sleep well at night. 

In recent years, an entire industry seems to have sprung up around the idea that babies should 'sleep through the night.' A recent baby show in Ottawa featured no less than five sleep consultants, all vying for the hard-earned dollars of sleep-deprived parents visiting the show.  Until they are thrown into it, nothing prepares new parents for the lack of sleep that having a baby entails.  It's no wonder sleep deprivation is used as a torture technique used to extract information, it's just as effective at extracting money from the wallets of tired parents who are willing to do just about anything to catch a few extra zzzz's at night.  Forget about the post-baby sleep banter mothers have been subjected to in the past, sleep consultants are now working hard to reinforce the idea that babies should sleep through the night at a young age before a baby is even born, offering workshops to parents-to-be that promise a '100% success rate' (note: no money-back guarantee!), claiming to offer tips that will ensure good sleep habits from day one.  Day one!!!

Self-proclaimed 'sleep consultants' will list the many benefits of getting your child to sleep in long chunks at an early age, if you were to believe their claims, children who wake regularly through the night will grow up to be out-of-control dullards who will fail at life (of course, I'm paraphrasing, but the gist of their promise is that interrupted sleep at a young age will encourage brain development and good behavior).  While I won't argue that sleep *is* important, I would argue that the idea that young babies should 'sleep through the night' is unrealistic, and from a biological standpoint, not ideal. 

The reality is that when your baby is born, she will have a very small tummy.  Newborns must wake frequently to eat frequently, because their small tummy's simply cannot hold much liquid.  Furthermore, breastmilk is quickly digested, which provides another reason for babies to wake regularly.

Nutritional needs aside, like adults, babies wake frequently at night for a myriad of other reasons. They are cold, they are warm, they heard a loud noise, or maybe they just want reassurance that a parent is nearby.  Whatever the reason, sleep disruptions are normal, and do not reflect on your baby or your ability as a parent.  

While sleep consultants will promise you tips and tricks to get your baby to sleep long stretches, I'm a little skeptical of their claims.  Babies are not machines, they do not come with user guides, no two babies are alike in terms of temperament and needs.  Some babies may self-soothe to sleep from day one, many (most!) won't; some babies may sleep long stretches at an early age, many (most!) won't. 

As an example, our first daughter only woke once through the night basically from birth.  The rest of the lot (three of them!) woke many times a night, for many years.  Yes, it was tiring, but we got through it, and while I can remember being tired, sometimes to the point of tears, as our children get older and more independent, I miss the special moments that those middle-of-the-night wakeups afforded us (OK, mainly me).  

On this last point, if you are reading this, and you are a severely sleep-deprived parent, you probably want to reach through the screen right now and punch me in the throat because I sound like a total asshole telling you to enjoy waking up eleventy million times a night because you will miss it one day, but trust me, I'm right (I ususally am).  Bookmark this page and come back to it in 10 years and re-read it, and you'll issue a silent apology to me, and maybe shed a tear or two when you wonder where the last 10 years went.  You'll probably also be googling "How can I get my child to wake up on time for school?" because guess what? You will actually never be happy about your child's sleep habits (true story).  If they're not sleeping enough, they're sleeping too much...

So, what are you supposed to do then?  Where are the tips you thought I was going to offer that would solve all of your sleep problems?  Here it is.  Wait for it.  Are you ready???  Sleep when the baby sleeps.  Nap through the day, or go to bed early.  No, it's not fun, but it's a way to catch up on that desperately needed sleep.  The baby will only sleep on you?  Get a good carrier and carry your baby while she sleeps.  You are not creating 'bad habits', you are meeting her needs.  Baby never sleeps?  Call a friend or family member, and ask for help.  Someone in your life will gladly hold your grumpy baby while you catch a few zzz's.  Baby is waking multiple times through the night?  Bring the baby into your room, or into your bed, or ask your partner to pitch in - that may mean getting up with the baby through the night, or it may mean letting you sleep-in in the morning.  I often hear new mothers suggest their partners *can't* help with nighttime duty because they work. Guess what?  Mothers work too, and their job is just as important.  Nighttime parenting should not fall on one parent's shoulders.

Most importantly, above all, if you simply acknowledge that your baby's crap sleep habits are normal, you'll feel better about the situation.  Adjusting your own ideas of what's 'ideal' will leave you less likely to feel pressured to force your child to adopt what may be an unrealistic sleep routine for your child.

Who wants to sleep alone?

Last week, my husband and I watched Paranormal Activity 2, a prequel to the first movie that documented a couple who were being harrassed by a demon (not really, it's a movie-not-a-documentary). The prequel lays the foundation for the 'why' of the original movie, the demon has come to claim a family's firstborn son, an infant. The mother catches on pretty quickly to their new houseguest, but despite her fear, junior naps and sleeps in a crib in a separate room from the parents. I mean, really? Really???? You have a demon in your house, and you're not going to at least co-sleep? After the movie ended (sorry, I won't spoil the ending for you, you'll have to rent it), I took Grace out of her bed and brought her to bed with us. Yeah, I know it's a movie, but you can never be too safe, right? Right???


When we brought our first baby home, we co-slept with her for a few weeks, setting up a basinette in our bedroom, she was moved into her crib in a separate room when she was about eight weeks old. At the time, we had never even entertained the idea of bed-sharing. We moved Maddy into her room because that's what we thought we were 'supposed' to do -- conventional wisdom dictates that babies sleep in cribs. I can still remember the panic I felt at having her sleep apart from us. I kept a monitor in her crib, close to her face, I turned the speaker as loud as possible so I could hear her breathing. When I wasn't satisfied I could hear anything, I would creep into her room and check on her. Our (my) plans for a restful night's sleep were sidelined by worry and middle-of-the-night feedings.


When our second baby was born two years later, we kept her in our bed from day one. Maddy was sleeping through the night at that point, and we were worried that having a baby crying in her crib in the middle of the night would wake Maddy up as well. Once we started bed-sharing, we never looked back. Having Hannah in bed with us was reassuring, and the middle-of-the-night feedings were much easier to deal with. Instead of getting out of my bed, walking to a separate bedroom, and picking a baby up so that I could nurse her in a rocking chair, I simply rolled over, unclipped my nursing bra, and latched her on. I would often sleep through her feedings, as long as my breast was within reach, she would simply latch on and off throughout the night as needed. I was never worried about her safety in our bed -- I kept a pillow between Hannah and my husband, he's a deep sleeper, I wanted to make sure there was a barrier keeping him away from her. When I was facing Hannah, I would curl myself around her, when I would turn away from her, she would always shimmy herself close to my back. I made sure our covers were always pushed down so that nothing covered her face. Once Hannah was mobile, we started putting her down into her crib at the start of the night, I would nurse her down in the rocking chair, then transfer her to the crib. When we went to bed, I would bring her to bed with us, as long as she was nursing through the night, she slept with us. When Hannah was old enough to sit up, we would put a basket of toys in the bed, and if she woke up early, she would play between us while we slept -- it would only buy us an extra 20-30 minutes of shut-eye, but any parent knows how valuable that can be! What about our love life, you ask? There are other rooms in the house. We managed to conceive two more babies. Clearly, it didn't take a hit.


At the time, we endured plenty of comments from concerned family members (aka my mother) who insisted we were forming poor sleeping habits. Our child would never learn to soothe herself to sleep, and she would never be comfortable sleeping by herself. In short, we were 'breaking' our child by bed-sharing with her. When Hannah was 2.5 years old, we were expecting our third child. Hannah weaned at night shortly before he was born, and we moved her into her own bed in her own room. Was it hard? Not at all! In fact, we had an easier time transtitioning Hannah from our bed to her own bed than we did transitioning Maddy from the crib to her own bed. Furthermore, Hannah was much more secure sleeping by herself -- to this day, Maddy will not sleep with the door shut (she won't even go upstairs by herself during the day!).


When Owen was born, he slept in our bed (the same place he was born!). We had a harder time transitioning him out of our bed, he was almost three years old when Grace was born. It took a little while to figure it out, but Owen was just lonely at night by himself. We managed to transition him into Hannah's bed, he bed-shared with her for a little while, then we put a second twin bed in her room, and they shared a room. Owen is just a kid who doesn't like to sleep alone. He's five now, and he shares a room with Grace -- Grace slept in our bed until she was almost 2.5 years old, moving out of our bed into her own was easy. She's always been an independent child (understatement of the century!), she wants to do what the big kids do.


So all of the kids sleep in their own beds now, they all have different sleep habits, but we never had to 'train' any of them to sleep. I'm a firm believer that kids are born with different sleep habits, there will never be a 'one size fits all' approach to getting them to sleep. All you can do is adapt to their needs, you certainly can't 'ruin' a child by sleeping with them. Even now, I still occasionally bed-share with the kids, not because they want to, but because I do. When my husband goes out of town, I usually end up bringing one of them into our bed. I'm a big fraidy-cat, and besides, who wants to sleep alone?